I must admit, this is a problem I never anticipated having. With all the worries and concerns that come alone with being pregnant, not going into labor six days after my due date and facing inducement was not one of them. I had prepared for the possibility of early labor, with finals for spring semester scheduled for a week before my due date, my biggest fear was that I would go into labor early and have to take incompletes in my classes. So I worked ahead, negotiated with my professors, and finished my semester ahead of time. Unnecessarily, I now discover. I guess in the grand scheme of things, being pregnant an extra week isn’t the worst thing to ever happen, but the longer this goes on, the more I feel like I am failing in some essential way.
The aches and pains of pregnancy are wearing, though they have become something I am used to. The constant push in my right side just below my ribs from my unborn son’s knees is now just a part of who I am. What is harder is the constant look of concern on everyone’s face, the excited light I see in my husband’s eyes when I gasp in pain, his hopes of labor soon dashed when I explain the baby just kicked me in the bladder again. My mother has traveled 800 miles to help with a baby who just doesn’t want to come out. She missed Christmas with my dad, brothers and nieces to be here to help me and I’m not having a baby. She hasn’t complained once, but I still can’t help but feel guilty that I pulled her away from her life to be here weeks before grandson. For some reason I Googled inducement last night and discovered that, according to most women, it is much more painful than going into labor naturally, and natural labor kicked my ass last time around. Google is that tactless friend who will tell you exactly what you wanted to know but doesn’t consider your feelings while doing it.
I should know by now that life can’t be planned and the unexpected has a way of arriving more often than not, but I still feel unsettled. All these feelings of fear, anticipation, and disappointment along with physical exhaustion have left me with unpredictable emotions that flare up more and more often. I cry for no reason, snap when people ask how I’m feeling, and avoid contact with pretty much everyone for fear that I will say something that I don’t mean. This has been a hard ending to a very hard year but I know the joy to come will make it all worth it. If the joy would just hurry up and get here.