Facebook Archetypes: Who’s in Your Timeline?

I’m sharing a post from one of my favorite parenting blogs, Momma Be Thy Name. All my pet peeves about Facebook in one blog post. It’s genius!

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Morning Chatter

As a parent, it’s only natural to want to give your child everything they desire. I usually give in to most of David’s requests, be it a trip to the park, or a limited edition Spider-Hulk action figure which can only be purchased on eBay. And then the day comes when your child asks for something you can’t possibly give them.

Like a shrink-ray.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked David over breakfast this morning.

“I want to go to the toy store to buy a shrink-ray.”

“A what?”

“A shrink-ray. I’ll take it to school and I’ll shoot my friends–SIZZZZZZZZZZ–and then they’ll be tiny, tiny, tiny like babies!”

“Why do you want to shrink your friends?”

“Then I’ll be the boss at school. And Miss Teacher will say ‘David why did you shrink the friends’ and I can say ‘because I am a mean boy!'”

“And then what?”

“Baby friends will cry and have to go home. And then I don’t go to circle.”

“So, you want to shoot your friends at school with a shrink-ray so you don’t have to go to circle time?”

“Yes. Can we go to the toy store?”

“Um, not today buddy.”

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Future Evil-Genius

The Kind of Dad He Is

David graduated preschool last week. As the children were called to receive their diplomas, the teacher announced what each one had said they wanted to be when they grew up. There were the expected firemen, doctors, and teachers; a surprising number of fishermen; and a professional angry birds player. As I waited for David to be called, I had no clue what he would say. Maybe a pilot like his grandpa or Spiderman. Definitely not a accountant or anything else that requires quiet concentration.

“Our next graduate is David,” Miss Tree said into the microphone. “When David grows up, he wants to be a dad.” The resounding aahs of the audience echoed my own internal aah, and caused David to grin self-consciously as he accepted his diploma and ran back to his spot in line. After the ceremony, I found David and said, “that is really nice that you want to be a dad when you grow up.”

“No, I want to grow up to be my dad,” he clarified. And there is a big difference between being just any dad and being the kind of dad that David has.

He’s the kind of dad who comes home from work and puts a Boppy pillow on his head and pretends to be the Incredible Hulk because it’s more important to him to play with you than to relax on the couch.

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He’s the kind of dad who sits and teaches you how to put together your Lego spaceship instead of just doing it for you. He his patient and encouraging, never letting you give up on yourself, helping you discover everything you are capable of.

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He’s the kind of dad who gives up the last bowl of rice, who swims with you in the pool till his hands are pruned even though he knows the water is mostly kid pee, and who doesn’t complain when the baby throws up all over him in an airport and his extra clothes are in the checked bag.

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He’s the kind of dad who gives everything he has to his family and never asks for anything in return

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I don’t worry about the kind of men my sons will turn out to be because I know they have a true role model in their dad. He is smart, moral, patient, compassionate, and deeply good.

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Happy Father’s Day honey, we love you.

This made my day.

trying to be good

I just finished babysitting your baby today.

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I have salmon stuck on my neck and in the crease under my left breast.

My eardrum is damaged due to high frequency screaming.

I had to hold her while I was peeing because from her perspective it seemed like Satan himself would rape and kill her slowly if I put her down thus I did not get the chance to wipe myself properly…

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…no matter though as I am covered in a thick layer of sweat from pushing the stroller up the hill so a bit more wet between the legs even things out.

I washed my hair this morning but all of a sudden it looks like a stringy bag of shit pile.

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I haven’t had a chance to eat anything except snatching a few cold peas from her snack pack and my head is pounding.

I watched her draw on…

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Hawaiian Adventure Recap: By the Numbers

We are home now after our week on Kauai’s southern coast.  My plan was to write blog posts documenting each day of our trip.  Then I realized I was on vacation, so I drank a beer instead! Seriously, this trip is what all of us needed and I can’t wait to do it again.  Here is the breakdown of our seven days in paradise:

Hours spent on airplanes: 11.5  This may not seem like much but remember, I have two kids to deal with.  They were fantastic though (and that isn’t a mommy lie) and I was really proud of them both.  They were better behaved than I was.  At around the two-and-a-half hour mark on the overnight flight home, I was seized with the overwhelming desire to grab  each sleeping passenger by their shoulders and shake them as hard as I could until they were awake and as miserable as I was.  And when the woman in front of me decided to recline her chair into my three inches of personal space, I dug my knees into the back of her seat until she decided to sit upright again.

Pounds gained: 2  After all the mai tais, margaritas, hula pie, and the amazing dinner at The Beach House (watermelon salad, stuffed chicken breast with polenta, and cranberry cheesecake!) I’m surprised I didn’t gain more.  Two pounds is a small price to pay for a week of eating what I wanted and not feeling guilty.

Sea urchin attacks: 1  Casey is at Urgent Care right now getting the remaining spines pulled from his foot and hand.  David told all the kids at circle time today that his dad stepped on a spiky monster that lives in the ocean.  Maybe I shouldn’t have been so dramatic in my explanation of what a sea urchin is, but have you seen these things? This is why I maintain the ocean is for looking at, not for going into.

My husband’s assailant
Photo from reefguide.org

Near-death experiences: 1  I decided I should try something new while on vacation, be adventurous for once.  Not heeding my own advice about the ocean, I asked Casey to take me out snorkeling.  Even though I can only manage a frantic doggie paddle, I thought I would be able to handle floating on top of the water and staring down at fish.  I was wrong.   As I clung to a boogie board, I started to realize this was a bad idea.  I asked Casey how I was supposed to move around.  I tried to appear calm but my voice only came out in shrill bursts because I was hyperventilating .  He told me to let go of the board and start swimming.  I told him he was nuts.  He rolled his eyes. Just then, I saw a dark shadow lurking beneath  the water.  Of course my mind reached the only logical explanation: I was about to be eaten by a shark.  I tried to leap onto the boogie board but instead I flipped it out of the water when I put too much of my weight on the end.  A huge (1 foot) wave crashed down and flung me to the shore.  I tried to get my footing, but another wave pulled me out again.  As I felt myself rocketing towards the shore once again, I saw a father walking his tiny, no more than two-year-old daughter to the surf.  This wasn’t going to be good.  I managed to drag my foot into the sand, slowing myself down enough to stop short of colliding with the toddler by six inches.  I gave a breathless apology as I struggled to my feet and trudged out of the treacherous water.  And just because the shadow ended up being a shark-shaped rock doesn’t mean I am paranoid.

Times I wished we never had to leave: Too many to count.  Kauai stole my heart like no place has.  I want to live there and spend my days  feeding feral chickens, speaking pidgen, and watching sunsets in my I ❤ Kauai t shirt as I eat hula pie.   If Kauai was a man it would be a doctor who loved to cook and clean, and would hold your hair after one too many mojitos.  Kauai was the perfect counter to living in an overcrowded, fast-paced city where no one seems too happy to be.  If I can figure out a way to spend the rest of my life there, that is exactly what I will be doing.

 

Aloha